Your Self-Sabotage Is Not What It Seems

This week's short "Note to Self" to keep your thinking on track…

Note to self: Self-sabotage isn't proof of your limitations. It's evidence of what you're trying to cope with.

Rattling the handle of a locked safe and swearing at it.

Overworking. Not saying no. Procrastinating. Overtraining. Snapping over something small.

We tend to treat these habits as character flaws: lazy, weak, not good enough, rubbish. Then we punish ourselves for them.

Psychologist John Briere works with people coping with serious distress, and in Treating Risky and Compulsive Behavior in Trauma Survivors he describes their behaviour as an attempt "to persevere despite sometimes great emotional pain, and to problem-solve rather than passively endure distress." 1 The same logic runs all the way down to the everyday habits above.

Sabotaging behaviour is often automatic, and in the moment the behaviour works remarkably well. The discomfort drops. That drop in discomfort is why the habit sticks.

So the question isn't what's wrong with you. The question is what the behaviour is trying to do for you.

Seen this way, self-sabotage is a failed attempt, not evidence of failure. The attempt fails because, while the behaviour achieves the short-term goal of feeling better right now, the behaviour doesn't serve the longer-term goal you're aiming for. And a failed attempt is something you can unpack, adjust and try again.

Next time you catch yourself in the habit, notice the behaviour rather than judge it. Then ask two questions. What happened in the ten minutes before I reached for this? And what would I have to feel if I stopped right now?

The answer to the second one is usually something very uncomfortable, and underneath it, a belief that you can't stand feeling that way. You can. That's part of the work: letting the discomfort be there and staying curious about it, instead of judging it and reaching for the old fix. The discomfort may ease. It may not. Either way, you can get through it without the old fix.

Judgment keeps the pattern in place, like rattling the handle of a locked safe and swearing at it. Understanding is what lets you start looking for the combination.

Think about it…

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“A single new idea can make you radically different in many ways” - Albert Ellis

1. Briere, J. (2019). Treating risky and compulsive behavior in trauma survivors. Guilford Press.